All SL girls tell me what u think

Angels Dance

This is the way we dance,
With a twist and a twirl
we glide over the floor
With the other's all watching
Gazing at what they saw.
It seems every move that we make,
makes us feel that,
We are angels in space
So people say
that this is what it's like
to dance with an angel in space.

tell me what u think or how i can improve on it this is for my Fiance

__________________________
People that take advantages of others kindness often lead to distructive visions.

Others take use of there skills in inhance there own

SHADOW INDUSTRIES

Normal note: LOL. Are you lot of some sortof space cake?

Serious note: Get rid of the jaws part. Not exactly romantic.

Instead of:
There jaws on the floor.

Maybe to:
"Gazing at what they saw"

And yes i know, this was a question to the ladies.....but im a romantic at heart.
No dont you lot start. Thats the end of it. Period.

__________________________
-Deemers-
Carpet salesmen your majesty, legions of them! Our troops were overrun by their absurdly loud sales pitches!
Cry Havok, Ruin, Destruction and Decay. Death is the worst of them, and Death will have his day.

Not back yet!

lol i just wrote what came to mind first that is why i trying to get some help with this

__________________________
People that take advantages of others kindness often lead to distructive visions.

Others take use of there skills in inhance there own

SHADOW INDUSTRIES

Updated

__________________________
People that take advantages of others kindness often lead to distructive visions.

Others take use of there skills in inhance there own

SHADOW INDUSTRIES

thats just

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|-------------___-.~,~~:_____:______|================[_]=
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^.^ Ive got a big gun ^.^

Space Cowboys

what is just sad and please this is for one thing only guys make new forum

__________________________
People that take advantages of others kindness often lead to distructive visions.

Others take use of there skills in inhance there own

SHADOW INDUSTRIES

Want me to make any other comments/suggestions?

(it'll take 10 mins or so)

__________________________
-Deemers-
Carpet salesmen your majesty, legions of them! Our troops were overrun by their absurdly loud sales pitches!
Cry Havok, Ruin, Destruction and Decay. Death is the worst of them, and Death will have his day.

Not back yet!

make as many asa u want i am trying to get this perfect for my fiance man

__________________________
People that take advantages of others kindness often lead to distructive visions.

Others take use of there skills in inhance there own

SHADOW INDUSTRIES

Right before I begin, this is just on my own opinion, dont take this 100% to be correct!


If im right, this is how it runs semantically... (i think thats the word)
___________________________

This is the way we dance.. (A)

With a twist and a twirl; (B )
We glide over the floor (C)
With the other's all watching (D)
Gazing at what they saw. (C)

It seems every move that we make, (E)
Makes us feel that, (F)
We are angels in space. (E)

So people say, (G)
That this is what it's like (H)
To dance with an angel in space. (E)
__________________________________

Right, lets see if we can get this into a poetic field.

Should either go A,B,A,B......A,B,B,A, or A,B,C,B , if you intend it to rthyme.

So, lets have a look....

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Poem:

This is the way we dance.. (A) <--this is fine, always good to start with a single statement.

With a twist and a twirl; (B )
We glide over the floor (C)
With the other's all watching (D)
Gazing at what they saw. (C)

Right, this part might be better with a B,C,B,C type of layout, but this is pretty well okay, as there is still a pairing ( 2 C's)

Next part:

It seems every move that we make, (E)
Makes us feel that, (F)
We are angels in space. (E)

Right, cut for a second. The previous part was poetically written, this aint in layout, so you need another sentence in there, or two, either before the first (E) or after the last (E)

Example:

Time seems to slow down, (F)
To every move that we make, (E)
The feel of those moments; (G)
Gliding like angels in space. (E)

(thats just one example, im sure you can come up with another)
_______________________________________________________________

Next verse!

So people say
that this is what it's like
to dance with an angel in space.

Now last verses dont often have to deal with the poetic stuff, as long as it has some meaning, but usually middle verses are two fold, 4 sentence and another 4, and the ending is a few sentences longer. Now the middle is your choice, you can have only one middle or two.
In short:

1) Beginning
2) First Middle
3) Second Middle
4) End.

Now if we consider this part the end, we just need to finalise it with something personal.

So this is what people say,
To dream into those eyes.
That this is what it's like,
And can never say goodbye.
Looking at you, face to face.
And dancing, with my angel in space.
___________________________________

So, in total! (so far)

Old Version

This is the way we dance,

With a twist and a twirl
We glide over the floor
With the other's all watching
Gazing at what they saw.

It seems every move that we make,
Makes us feel that,
We are angels in space

So people say
That this is what it's like
To dance with an angel in space.


New Version (so far):

This is the way we dance..

Start:
With a twist and a twirl;
We glide over the floor,
With the other's all watching,
Gazing at what they saw.

First Middle:
Time seems to slow down,
To every move that we make,
The feel of those moments;
Gliding like angels in space.

End:
So this is what people say,
To dream into those eyes.
That this is what it's like,
And can never say goodbye.
Looking at you, face to face.
And dancing, with my angel in space.

__________________________
-Deemers-
Carpet salesmen your majesty, legions of them! Our troops were overrun by their absurdly loud sales pitches!
Cry Havok, Ruin, Destruction and Decay. Death is the worst of them, and Death will have his day.

Not back yet!

I really think it needs a 2nd middle.

(Dont you lot look at me like that! Im still a brew drinking, benedictine loving, spam dealing, pie eating Deemers! )

__________________________
-Deemers-
Carpet salesmen your majesty, legions of them! Our troops were overrun by their absurdly loud sales pitches!
Cry Havok, Ruin, Destruction and Decay. Death is the worst of them, and Death will have his day.

Not back yet!

*boost*

__________________________
-Deemers-
Carpet salesmen your majesty, legions of them! Our troops were overrun by their absurdly loud sales pitches!
Cry Havok, Ruin, Destruction and Decay. Death is the worst of them, and Death will have his day.

Not back yet!